Ten Rules About Men That All Women Should Know By the Time We’re Thirty

July 10, 2010 at 6:52 pm 19 comments

  1. Men and women are fundamentally different. These differences are undeniable and biological and extend beyond the merely physical ones. To be sure, there are cultural factors at work, as well, but the differences between men and women can’t be explained as being merely the byproduct of social conditioning.
  2. Men are emotional creatures. Just because they aren’t always talking about their feelings doesn’t mean that they don’t have them. In fact, they may actually be more fragile than we women are. It wouldn’t shock me.
  3. Men are almost entirely reliant upon women for their expression of emotion. Men have male friends, but their male friends tend to be drinking buddies and friends to do activities with. They don’t call their male friends and have long phone conversations with them or sit down at the café over brunch and dissect their childhoods. That’s what we’re for.
  4. Men lie. Yep. Just like women lie, men lie, too. They do it more often, and they have no talent for it. Their excuses are something any three-year-old could see through. Why do men lie? For some of the same reasons we do. Sometimes they lie just to get laid, and this will be the reason most women think of. However, more often I think men lie in order to avoid hurting us or angering us. At all costs, they want to avoid being confronted with our disappointment or, God forbid, our tears. The first sign of a tear from a female brings a primal response of guilt. Who knows? Maybe he is remembering all the way back to his boyhood and the first time he hurt his mommy.
  5. Size does matter, but it’s not everything. It’s rare for a guy to be so small that he’s truly inadequate. Most women don’t experience orgasm through intercourse alone, anyway. Beyond a certain size, it’s kind of a waste. Most women just think, “Ouch! Get that thing away from me.”
  6. Men know what they want, and they do what it takes to get it. This is kind of the He’s Just Not That Into You episode of Sex and the City, condensed into a few sentences. How do you know if a guy is into you? He will ask you out, he will hang out, and he will stick around. He will make it clear that he is into you. He will be persistent. No guy is so shy that he won’t work to get what he wants. Don’t let anyone sell you a load of crap like that you’re intimidating to men. If a guy likes you, then you won’t have to wonder or to guess; you will know. If you don’t know, then the answer is that he’s just not that into you. Don’t stick around hoping for a different answer. You’ll just wind up disappointed when you see him finally ask out someone that he is into. Move on. Next!
  7. Men are visual creatures. Looks matter. They aren’t everything, and the lucky thing is that different men like different looks. A lot of women make the mistake of not paying attention to this or thinking that looks won’t matter at all to a man who really loves her. Some women even test this theory by letting themselves go. Don’t test this theory. Looks do matter, to everyone, man and woman alike. Making an effort to look your best shows that you respect yourself and you care enough about your mate to want to look good for him. In a perfect world, looks wouldn’t matter, and men would love us entirely for what’s on the inside. This isn’t a perfect world, and nobody ever said life was fair. Get over it.
  8. All other things being equal, a man will probably pick the woman with the better personality, or, at least the one who makes him feel important or caters to his ego. A good part of the reason why anyone, man or woman, falls in love, is not so much about the other person as it is about how the other person makes us feel about ourselves. In other words, do we like the picture we see when we gaze at our reflection through the other person’s eyes?
  9. An unattached, straight man will never turn down sex freely offered from a woman that he wants. The only possible exceptions to this rule are deeply religious males. And I mean, really devoted men. I knew multiple church ministers when I was in my twenties for whom this rule was still true. This is largely how men think about sex: it is a pleasurable physical activity and a biological function, like eating. If you offer sex to a man, he equates it to offering him a free brownie. Who doesn’t like brownies, right? Unless you had an understanding beforehand about a relationship, a man is going to assume there isn’t one, and rightly so. They can’t be expected to read our minds. If you offer a man sex and he takes it, then he’s taking a gift you freely offered, like a homemade brownie. You can’t come back later when you’ve changed your mind and then get pissed when he doesn’t pay you in love or in coin. If you do come back later and say, “Give me back my brownie,” then don’t be surprised if the man vomits into your hand. This is, I imagine, why some men frequent prostitutes.  It’s like going to a bakery. You can buy a brownie or a Napoleon or a tart. You pay for what you get upfront, and no one cries or gets upset when you eat your treat and then leave the bakery. In fact, that’s what they expect you to do.
  10. You can’t change a man. Maybe this should be rule #1. So many women make this mistake. They pick a guy that they really like. He’s great except for [fill in the blank with your favorite flaw]. They take on the man with the understanding that the man can change. Whether it’s a big problem like cheating or a little one like leaving his dirty underwear on the floor, a man is not going to change for a woman. He might change for himself if he feels that the consequences of a behavior outweigh the benefits. He won’t change for a woman, any woman, regardless of how much he loves her. He will rightly resent you for not loving him just as he is. And he will continue to persist in his unwanted behaviors. He will just hide it and lie about it afterward (see rule #4). We are all imperfect beings, and any man you’re with puts up with your flaws. Either accept him as he is or move on to find someone else who meets your standards.
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Sherry Chicken Bitch Time and Tide

19 Comments Add your own

  • 1. tsactuo  |  July 11, 2010 at 2:08 am

    I believe #10 is the stand-out on the list. I also believe women are the same way, generally. It’s that women will usually make more of an effort to change. Men will, but it won’t often be a lot, not in general.

    At first, they’ll get thanks and love/respect for changing. That feels good. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. After a while, though, the overt respect/love/appreciation fades away because the change is no longer a change but the new status quo. That’s when the “fun” begins for most relationships. It’s at those times that the one who changed (or is trying to maintain the change) begins to feel un-appreciated, no longer respected for their “sacrifice”. Resentment will build. If they address it with their S.O., the S.O. won’t know what to say, since no one really expects themselves or whomever they love (or loves them) to require “emotional payment” for doing something they did “for love”. This often leads to more problems down the road. Arguments beginning with “If you loved me…” become common.

    I’ve seen it happen many times. #10 on your list is what destroyed my marriage. My ex-wife did exactly what you said women do, and within three years she was genuinely pissed that she hadn’t been able to get me to “improve” (as she put it). So… I tried to change. I managed it, with some success, but she only ever responded with either “It’s about time, really” or “Yeah, but you’ve got a ways to go”. I couldn’t keep it up because I didn’t feel at all appreciated for trying to change, and oddly enough, neither did she. She felt unappreciated because I wouldn’t change enough for her. Man, it was f***ed up. Anyway… Sorry for the ramble.

    #10 is spot on the money.

    Reply
  • 2. Retail Robot  |  October 29, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    As a recently-single 21-year old, i am SO glad i read this post when i did. It really all does make sense! Am bookmarking for future reference :)

    Reply
  • 3. raquela1  |  October 30, 2010 at 6:52 am

    #6 a lot of women I know, seem to miss. It’s so true.

    Reply
  • 4. jkcarillo  |  October 31, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Wow! These are pretty useful! I love it!

    Reply
  • [...] Men and women are fundamentally different. These differences are undeniable and biological and extend beyond the merely physical ones. To be sure, there are cultural factors at work, as well, but the differences between men and women can’t be explained as being merely the byproduct of social conditioning. Men are emotional creatures. Just because they aren’t always talking about their feelings doesn’t mean that they don’t have them. In fact, they … Read More [...]

    Reply
  • 6. mlr2914  |  October 31, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I have to say for other women out there that #3 is untrue. I know many wonderful men who are not dependent on women for emotional expression. I think we need to give them a little more credit.

    Reply
  • 7. Teri  |  October 31, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    I don’t know mir2914. I am 36 years old and have been single except for a brief marriage, and pretty much all the men I have been involved with depended on women for emotional expression. The ones that didn’t?

    Gay or extremely religious.

    Over generalizing? Yes, but that’s my experience.

    Reply
  • 8. Rebekah  |  November 4, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    The differences between men and women can drives us crazy, but at the end of the day it’s a big part of why we yearn for the opposite sex (gay couple aside, obviously). It sort of balances us out and soothes what we crave but can’t on our own.

    The one thing I think men should be is honest. Women would ultimately be more attracted to a man not afraid to speak his mind. Of course, he doesn’t have to be brutal with the truth, and perhaps if he feels his partner truly can’t handle the truth, he would be better off making a joke out of the situation. Placating is not attractive, and a woman will almost always know when a man is lying!

    Great blog, btw! Have added you to my blog roll and will be back for a visit.

    Reply
  • 9. Tom  |  December 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Just wanted to respond to this, as I ran across it browsing the web.

    “An unattached, straight man will never turn down sex freely offered from a woman that he wants. The only possible exceptions to this rule are deeply religious males. And I mean, really devoted men. I knew multiple church ministers when I was in my twenties for whom this rule was still true.”

    Not true. I’m not a religious man at all. I actually have to like the woman’s personality before I’m able to have sex with her, even if I’m very attracted to her physically. Yes, I mean that in the way you’re probably thinking.

    It’s been difficult in my past to turn down the advances women have made to me because I’d like to get to know their personality more, but at that point, they usually look at me like I’m crazy and I don’t hear from them again, despite my repeated assertions I think they’re physically attractive.

    This has made things difficult for me with women because by the time they bring physicallity up with me, I’m usually not ready to become physical and they think I’m joking or that there’s something wrong with me.

    I think there’s something wrong with men who will sleep with a bad woman, even if she’s physically hot. I mean if she’s cruel to animals for one, then I’ll not be giving her or wanting any pleasure from her. Period.

    I don’t like sports either so by that point, women just seem to want a *normal* guy who’s ready to jump in their pants on the first date, and who will continually make excuses they want to watch sports with their buddies or whatever…instead of putting up with this uncertainty.

    Now you know why I’m almost 40 and still single, never married. LOL

    Sex *is* as natural as eating, but most people don’t just put anything in their mouths.

    “No guy is so shy that he won’t work to get what he wants.”

    Not true. Men will give up on their desire to be with a particular woman for many reasons.

    Reply
    • 10. gooseberrybush  |  December 28, 2010 at 12:01 am

      The point of the piece was to write about the typical man, and even you are admitting that you’re the exception to the rule. I realize there are exceptions. I wish more men were like you. I actually think that most women do; we just become conditioned to expect the other. I think that when a man reacts like you do about sex, yeah, we do assume that he’s not interested, because it’s rare. Anyway, the point of the piece wasn’t meant to cut down men like yourself but as a warning to women about what to expect from a typical guy.

      Reply
      • 11. Tom  |  December 28, 2010 at 3:38 am

        That’s cool gooseberrybush. I just wanted to chime in that there are men who don’t act or feel like some of the ways listed as “typical” here and on other sites. It’s disheartening and sometimes even infuriating to constantly read of the bad examples of men which get labeled as typical, such as the guy who will sleep with anyone. I have male friends and family members who feel as I do so I can’t really say whether I’m truly the exception, or just the exception to what has been experienced by the women I’ve dated and/or have been labelled as typical of men. I know a lot of men who could care less about sports too. (musicians and artists mostly) Thanks, and good luck.

      • 12. gooseberrybush  |  January 2, 2011 at 4:04 pm

        I’ve been thinking a lot about your comments about the he’s just not that into you type. Would you mind responding about why a man might be really into a woman and still not ask her out, other than the obvious that she’s already taken? Why would a man who’s really into a woman physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually still resist taking her out if he wasn’t already otherwise committed and she wasn’t either?

  • 13. Tom  |  January 6, 2011 at 2:38 am

    Hi gooseberrybush. Sure.

    I should clarify first of all that I didn’t know that you meant that the man was really into her physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I was assuming you meant these things were more unknowns, that the two were still relatively new to each other.

    First, if she’s not giving him any signs whatsoever that’s she’s into him, or very mixed signals, a guy may just acknowledge the writing on the wall, or assume the writing’s on the wall. I’ve had this happen to me at work with a couple ladies I found attractive. One, it was apparent she wasn’t in to me, so I simply moved on. No need for me to ask and be turned down, when her body language said it all. The second, she’d walk by me in the hallway and act as if I wasn’t there, so I assumed that’s how she saw me. I didn’t pursue her. I found out later she actually liked me. Pretty mixed signals.

    If a guy relates to a woman on one level, let’s say mentally, and then finds out a dealbraker, like she’s previously cheated in a relationship, we may not ask them out.

    If a guy’s going through a tough time, like he’s struggling with a lifelong illness of some sort, like diabetes, he may feel the need to buckle down for a while and try to get himself in a state where he feels he’s able to pursue a girl, and then participate in a relationship without feeling so overwhelmed with other challenges.

    If a guy meets a woman he really likes, and she likes him, but he finds out in talking with her that she’s not looking for a relationship, well then we’ll often take a woman’s word that’s what they mean and we’ll no longer pursue them. This is especially important in the workplace. No guy wants a sexual harassment lawsuit on their hands.

    A more difficult one of course is perceived inadequacies. Men may feel that they or the woman is inadequate in some way. This may or may not relate to those I listed above.

    While it’s stereotypical, in your article here you’ve mentioned “size does matter.” What if the guy feels he’s inadequate for a woman who’s expressed a preference of some sort? What if the woman is deemed inadequate to a guy because even though he relates to her on many levels, she’s really overweight? You’ve rightly noted that men are visual creatures. What if a guy really likes a woman despite her appearance but he fears he may not be able to sexually perform with her? These may be reasons for a guy not to pursue a woman.

    I hope this helps gooseberrybush.

    Reply
    • 14. gooseberrybush  |  January 6, 2011 at 2:52 am

      Thank you. Yes, it does. And I’m sure that it will help the women who read it as well.

      Reply
  • 15. Tom  |  January 6, 2011 at 3:12 am

    That’s good. You’re welcome.

    Reply
  • 16. Bettina  |  January 9, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Love this post. Read it again and again. And link to it. OK?

    Reply
    • 17. gooseberrybush  |  January 9, 2011 at 1:41 pm

      Okay.

      Reply
  • 18. sandraroffel  |  January 10, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Apparently, I am a dude.
    Huh.
    Just kidding, kinda.

    Reply
  • 19. thundercloud47  |  February 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Rule 10. I was at friends house just before a wedding. The subject of change came up. The groom stated ” Marriage will not change me, I will not change one bit.” One of the older married men looked at him and said something I will never forget; ” Son, I am going to ask you the same question a year from now and see what your answer will be then.” The groom had nothing to say to that. The guy did change. a lot. I had always suspected that in spite of what he said and did, deep down he always wanted to be an old married man.
    Rule 7 I can only speak for myself here. Even when I was younger personality counted a lot to me but I did not realize why until I got much older. My wife had good looks when we were younger but it was her personality that I was in love with. Looks change with age. In my mind my wife is still that good looking young woman I married but this is easy for me to do because her personality did not change.

    Reply

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