The Rat Bastard — Part Deux
- Not bad looking
- Sings karaoke well
- Is polite; opens doors, etc.
- Can be funny in a goofy sort of way
- Is intelligent
- Can fix my computer if something goes wrong with it
- Sometimes cooks for me
- Is a very clean and neat person
- Is not boring
- The sex, if you don’t count the secret box, which I won’t mention, was mostly really good, and in the beginning, plentiful.
You may be wondering, dear Reader, if Rat was everything I’ve just described in my last post, why anyone with half a brain would want to be with him, let alone stay with him for the better part of two years. Well, the answer is, of course, that he did have some positive qualities, a fact that I hate to admit. I’d much rather relish in the daily pot smoking, his tendency to fall for late night infomercial scams and pyramid schemes, and his seeming inability to hold down a job. In all the time I knew him he never worked for the same employer for an entire year. He never even had a permanent position anywhere. In fairness, the economy was not doing well, and the technology industry had been hardest hit. But the reasons he lost jobs frequently had to do with his inability to suck it up and go to work for The Man. The rest of us do, to put food on the table. He just never got it.
One thing that was a weakness of his was a lack of common sense about certain things. For instance, instead of getting a bachelors degree in computer science like most people blessed with intelligence like Rat’s might have, Rat got three separate associates degrees. One was for electrical engineering, one was for mechanical engineering, if I remember correctly, and the third was in information technology. The third degree, however, wasn’t worth the paper it was written on because he, unfortunately, had picked a school that lost its accreditation while he was attending. This was a snafu that I understood him to say was the cause of a class action lawsuit by several of the school’s graduates who now were in default of their student loans, himself included.
We would be watching television late at night, and he would stop on the infomercials, the kind that are like fake news magazine shows, where they interview some guest who’s just discovered the new fountain of youth or cure for cancer that the FDA doesn’t want you to know about. He would probably love to have an autographed picture of Kevin Trudeau. We both took large quantities of Bob Barefoot’s Coral Calcium when I was with him. And once, after he lost the temporary job for the hospitals, he decided that all his problems would be solved if he spent practically the last $300 he had to buy in on a business opportunity to sell Noni Juice. The Noni Juice people gave you your own website. It practically sold itself!
Perhaps the funniest example of Rat’s lack of common sense would be the story of how he lost his job at the hospital. Rat injured himself on his way in to work in the morning, and since this was going to cause him to be late, he called his supervisor at the temp company and told him that he was on his way in, but that he had hurt himself on a stoop of stairs on his way to the hospital. The supervisor, thinking of workers compensation injury claims, insisted that Rat go see a doctor. And Rat, being a daily pot smoker, knew his goose was cooked, so to speak, or at least, he should have. He went to the doctor’s anyway, and peed into the cup like he was supposed to do. Then, in a state of panic, he told the clinic that he would pay for the drug test, and they let him. He paid for his own drug test. But the clinic reported the results to his employer anyway, and he got fired. For weeks after the firing, Rat was convinced that he had a case whereby he could sue the clinic for mbillions and mbillions of dollars. Strangely, no lawyer wanted to take him on. Not even Matlock could have won that case in the state of Texas.