I Look Mahvelous

January 17, 2010 at 9:42 pm Leave a comment

Change is a necessity, and perhaps the only thing, besides God, that you can rely upon in this life. There will always be change. Sometimes, though, change is hard. Even when change is positive it can cause what’s best thought of as growing pains.

It has become a necessity that I change a habit that had become a fundamental part of my life. Necessity may be too strong of a word. To be truthful, I could have continued to indulge in my bad habit. I made the conscious decision not to do that anymore. I didn’t want to continue to live my life in the manner in which I was living. The natural consequences of my habit were no longer something I thought was a good trade off for whatever pleasures my habit was providing for me.

So, I made the choice to do what was necessary to overcome my habit. And, let me tell you, so far that has been no fucking picnic. I miss my addiction. I miss the ritual of it. I miss not being depressed all the time. I miss the illusion that I have it all together, and I don’t need help. I miss the illusion that my friends thought I had it all together. If you’re going to break an addiction like mine, then you have to ask for help. You have to humble yourself.

The hard part is not humbling yourself before God. Eh. God has known me for at least nearly forty years now. He knows I’m messed up. It’s the people. I had to tell friends. Surprise, surprise! I doubt that they actually thought that I had it all together, but not all of them had guessed at my dirty little secret. It’s not a secret anymore. I have to tell total strangers that I need help. Shocking, I know, but when you ask for help, you can get it. What is it the bible says? Ask and ye shall find. Not a single friend decided to flee at the breaking news that I wasn’t perfect.

I suspect even my coworkers know something is going on. There are days when I sit in my cubicle with a lump in my throat and tears permanently in my eyes, struggling to talk normally and not cry on the phone. I actually take smoke breaks now. One day during my now routine smoke break, my eyes were so swollen and bloodshot that a coworker asked me in earnest if I was drunk. Don’t I wish, but, no, I’m not drunk.

I have been so miserable that I’ve had to go to a counselor and relate a mere fraction of my woes in a session where I came very close to bawling like a newborn baby in need of a bottle for a solid hour. He wants me to go to a doctor and get happy pills. Thank God. Finally! Happy pills! I just lost the only thing that made life bearable and had my heart broken again, so happy pills might be just the trick. Apparently, crying jags first thing in the morning for no apparent reason and hearing the voice in your head insult yourself continuously are not normal behaviors. Who knew?

I have to have faith that eventually things will get better. And they will. They are. With the more time that goes by, the easier it is. And the great thing about change is that you have an excuse to get new hair to mark the occasion. New life, broken heart, new man, you name it. A fundamental change marks the need for new hair. Everyone knows this. I feel horrible, but I look good. And as Fernando says, “It is more important to look good than to feel good.” So, there is new hair, and there will be happy pills. Change is marvelous.


Entry filed under: Alcoholism/Substance Abuse, Chrisitanity, Faith, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality. Tags: , , , , , , .

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