Adventures in Health Care
I went to the doctor for my annual physical. I’ve lost thirty pounds! I told the doctor I was an alcoholic who recently stopped drinking. Except for the fact that I had never previously mentioned my drinking problem to my doctor, I really thought I was going to get a pat on the back.
I lost thirty pounds. I quit drinking. She didn’t find that as impressive as I did. Well, if you had ever been an alcoholic who stopped drinking with any success for any length of time, then maybe you would find it impressive, BITCH!
I still have a yeast infection. She gave me a pap smear and a boatload of prescriptions, including one for Diflucan (man’s greatest invention), and the infection got better, but it didn’t go away. I thought it would go away. And I thought that at first I was just waiting for my skin to clear up. The itching doesn’t immediately go away. The cream I was given helped with my skin, but I still had a low-grade yeast infection. I also have this rash on my torso, which my doctor attributed to candida (again, yeast infection) and which the cream she prescribed was NOT helping with at all.
So, almost two weeks after my exam, I went to a clinic as a walk in and decided to get a second opinion on the rash, and, hopefully, another prescription for the Diflucan, which might knock it out this time. Instead, what I got was a “referral” to a dermatologist and a “prescription” for some over the counter Monistat (Gee, thanks. I couldn’t have gotten that on my own). I paid $15 for this. I was livid.
So, I picked up the Monistat ‘cause I thought it could only be an improvement. Then I thought I’d try to see if I could make an appointment with a dermatologist. Guess what. An appointment with a dermatologist could only be gotten in August. August! By that time, I would either die from the rash or it would go away on its own. I was not living with a rash until August. You have got to be kidding me.
So, then I go to my doctor’s office. She’s on vacation out of the country for the next two weeks, but her nurse (after I lift up my shirt to expose my boobs in the middle of the office (I’ve entirely lost all modesty)) calls to the dermatologist’s office. Suddenly, they can fit me in in only a week.
So, my health would seem to be bad. One might make an assumption that my blood sugar would be high. I know that’s what my doctor thought, especially after I told her that I made my own adjustments to my meds to counteract for the not drinking thing. After all, the yeast infection is stubborn. Diflucan should clear it up.
Well, as it turns out, my annual physical produced mixed results. I had the first abnormal pap smear of my life, because the results came back without any cervical cells being present, which is probably because the doctor couldn’t see well due to the yeast infection. So, this is kinda bad. Although my doctor doesn’t seem alarmed and doesn’t feel we should do a follow up pap smear until next year.
On the positive side, my lab work came back looking like we took someone else’s blood. My blood sugar is actually not high. My A1C levels (which is an average of your blood sugar over the last three months) are usually somewhere between 6 and 6.5, which is actually considered good for a diabetic. This time around it was 5.7, which is considered a good reading for a “normal” (non-diabetic) person.
After a month of being out of my blood pressure medicine, my blood pressure was at 140/90. High, but nothing like it had been without medication. Usually, my blood pressure is never any better than 130/80, even with medicine.
My cholesterol was at 140, again considered normal. I don’t know how I managed this. I swear I hardly ever took that damn Crestor she gave me. And I gave a blood sample only about a week after my appointment. You would think the Lipitor wouldn’t have had enough time to kick in to that extent.
My lab work was so good that my doctor actually gave me a kudos on the email of the lab report. Keep up the Good Work, it said. She never says anything like that. Usually, I can look forward to another lecture about my smoking.
I think it’s entirely possible that making an attempt to eat healthier AND quitting drinking may have positively affected my health. Shocking. I wonder. If I continue to do this, will I eventually become a thin and happy person again? Or, at least thin. If I have to choose, I choose thin.
Right now, I will settle for fat chick without a yeast infection. But I think I have to wait for my doctor to get back from India before I can get another Diflucan pill. Monistat at $20 a pop is an expensive proposition that isn’t entirely successful.
I’ve been looking at homeopathic remedies on the internet, which mostly involve consuming garlic, plain yogurt and apple cider vinegar or putting these same things you-know-where. I feel fortunate that no one has commented on the smell of fresh baked garlic bread when I arrive in a room.