Sherry Chicken Bitch
So, I have a new TV show that I like to watch. I’m a little late coming to the party, but better late than never. I’ve discovered Bravo’s Top Chef. This season is set in Washington, D.C. Top Chef is a reality show that’s best described as American Idol meets Iron Chef.
Tom Colicchio and an impossibly gorgeous Indian woman named Padma Lakshmi host the show. Tom Colicchio is an actual celebrity chef. Padma’s qualifications as a judge are that she’s a model and actress who’s actually written a couple of cookbooks. Also, she was once married to Salman Rushdie. Oh, and did I forget to mention that she’s impossibly gorgeous and has a deep valley of cleavage. Never underestimate the power of food and breasts for drawing male viewers. If you don’t believe me, then just ask that annoying Giada de Laurentiis woman.
This season started out with a large group of chefs. The only real standouts were an Italian American guy named Angelo and an African American guy named Kenny, both of whom are cocky as hell. They were the leaders usually in the challenges of the first two episodes. There’s also a tubby lesbian named Tracy who is sweet and endearing. We already got rid of her in episode three, unfortunately.
The first episode of the show saw the elimination of the dreadlocked John, who decided to prepare a dessert. This wasn’t what killed him. What killed him is that he’s a fucktard who decided to prepare his dessert using frozen, pre-packaged phyllo dough from Whole Foods Market. He deserved to die.
On the second episode of the show, which has been the most interesting so far, the first challenge forced contestants to pair up and prepare a sandwich while wearing an apron that made the challenge the equivalent of a three legged race. Angelo and the aforementioned Tracy were paired up and won the challenge with an Asian inspired fish sandwich. They were so cute together, with Tracy beaming her obvious happiness at being shackled to Angelo. (She’d admitted to having a crush on Angelo in an earlier episode). Winning this challenge gave Angelo and Tracy both immunity for the entire second episode.
The second challenge broke the chefs into four separate teams preparing school cafeteria meals for Washington, D.C. middle school students. Each of the teams was given a very tiny budget and sent to Restaurant Depot to prepare for their school lunch. The challenge was to make the food actually healthy on a small budget. In other words, no longer would ketchup be considered an acceptable vegetable entrée. We sure have come a long way since the Reagan era.
So, immediately, Angelo and Tracy get to decide who’s on their team, and they pick Kenny and someone else whose presence is not memorable. And then, I can only guess it’s because he has immunity, but Angelo essentially sabotages his own team by deciding that celery with peanut butter “mousse” is an acceptable vegetable side dish. I used to really like Angelo. Now I’m not so sure.
Not to be outdone, a competing team decides to prepare a main dish chicken with sherry. Sherry, as in wine, for kids. And yes, I know the alcohol mostly cooks off. Still. Since when do kids give a crap about braised chicken thighs de sherry shit, with the skins removed? The woman who made this super intelligent decision bought the sherry at the expense of the woman who was preparing dessert. So, Jacqueline made starchy banana pudding with two pounds of sugar and a strawberry sauce instead of the chocolate banana pudding she was planning to make.
So, of course, in the end Jacqueline goes home. And I actually liked Jacqueline. In my opinion, they should have sent Amanda home instead. Amanda is the sherry chicken bitch, and now I have a villain to root against. Last episode, she actually removed another chef’s dish from an oven and left it out because she had called dibs on that oven by tagging it with her name. Are we in third grade?
Early on, I thought I disliked Kenny. And he’s not my favorite. But I will not rest until they send the Sherry Chicken Bitch packing with her knives.