British Petroleum: The Evil Empire, if the Evil Empire Were Run by Dr. Evil
I’ve been thinking of writing on the BP oil spill for a while now. The problem is that I didn’t know what to write, except that I was angry, very angry. And that doesn’t exactly make for an intelligent, informative, or even funny blog post.
Here’s what we know about the oil spill. We know that on April 20, 2010, there was an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, operating off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Eleven employees of British Petroleum were killed by the explosion, and seventeen of them were injured.
Louisiana was immediately affected by the explosion and the subsequent oil spill. Fishermen and employees of the tourism industry in the Gulf are out of work for now and for some time into the foreseeable future. The only good news is that they might now be able to get crappy jobs with BP, sweeping oil from the beaches.
The spill is still not contained. The offshore drilling rig responsible for the leak is still gushing oil into the ocean at the staggering rate of no one knows how much per day. But get this: it’s clearly visible in photos from space. This is the worst oil spill in the history of oil spills, several times worse than the Exxon Valdez.
British Petroleum does not have an explanation for how the explosion occurred, other than that methane gas shot out of the well and up the drill column. Well, duh. BP likes to point their fingers at Haliburton over the casing that was being installed at the time of explosion. Workers and supervisors had reported concerns with well control for approximately one month prior to the explosion. British Petroleum did nothing.
The United States Congress investigation found that the blowout preventer, a fail-safe device installed at the base of the well, had a hydraulic leak and a failed battery. Maybe this is what the BP workers were worried about? Just a guess.
The United States has committed to making British Petroleum pay for the consequences of the oil spill. British Petroleum executives had only inept backup plans in the case of an explosion or oil leak. They don’t have the foggiest notion what they are doing. It’s like an old movie, as if Abbott & Costello, The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges and Jerry Lewis are all sitting around a conference table, trying to figure out how to plug a hole in the ocean. I almost think we’d be better off putting the government in charge and then sending BP the bill. I said almost.
Their executives have publicly bitched about being held accountable for the spill as if their mommies never taught them that if they make a mess they should clean it up. Your mommy doesn’t live here; clean up your own oil spill.
Here’s two great examples of BP sensitivity to the fact that they have killed eleven people and countless animals and endangered many people’s very livelihoods:
- BP CEO, Tony Hayward, says, “I would like my life back,” on Fox News. I bet those eleven dead people who exploded on your oil rig would like their lives back, too, Jack! You just don’t get it, do you? I’m so sorry that your golf game has been affected by our oil spill.
- BP Chairman, Carl-Henric Svanberg, told Washington reporters, “I hear comments sometimes that large oil companies are greedy companies or don’t care, but that is not the case with BP. We care about the small people.” Whew! I feel so much better now. Oil companies do care about the little people.
The good news is that Kevin Costner is coming to the rescue. He owns some kind of oil skimming machine thingamajig. Don’t ask me. Why does Kevin Costner own this contraption? Because he needs to save the world, that’s why.
Personally, I’m all for putting Bruce Willis in charge of the clean-up. Let him recruit buddies like Stallone & Schwarzeneger and kick some oil slick ass. We don’t need any dancing with wolves, there’s no baseball magic required, and if you build it no one will come now. The tourists are steering clear in droves.
Here’s a fantastic satirical YouTube video about the BP Oil Spill: