August 12, 2010 at 3:09 pm 1 comment

A married man hit on me again. The other night I went to an engagement I had promised to go to that shall remain nameless to protect the guilty. Before I got there that evening, I had a flat tire. So, I had to walk there and then walk home, not a great hardship except for the fact that it was over 100 degrees outside when it happened.

A man I know offered to give me a ride home, and I accepted. I’ve known him casually for six years. I don’t see him very often. He’s a Hispanic man. English is his second language. He is married to a Guatemalan woman, and together they have four young sons.

Men frequently talk about the fact that women never actually say what they mean and that you need a translator to understand us. That’s fair. For instance, more than once I’ve said, “Fine,” when I don’t really mean that. Sometimes sarcasm is lost on the simple minded.

However, men have a form of double talk that they have perfected as well. Even a man who has learned English as a second language can perfect the language of boyspeak. Fortunately, I translate boyspeak fluently. I will attempt to recreate our conversation below, with the actual dialogue, followed by what we each really means, in italics.

Married Man: Are you married? Have you ever been married?

Are you married? I don’t want another man to beat me up for hitting on you.

Me: No. But if the right single guy ever comes along, then I’d like to be.

Why doesn’t God send me a nice single boy?

Married Man: But you have had boyfriends, right?

You’re not a virgin, I hope.

Me: Yes, I’ve had boyfriends.

I’ll be forty next year. That would be pretty pathetic if I’d never had a boyfriend.

Married Man: Oh, Gooseberry, you are so beautiful. I just wish you didn’t live so close so that we could spend more time together.

I hope you’re not going to make me work too hard for this.

Me: Thank you.

What the fuck? I should have walked home.

Married Man: Would you like to stop somewhere and get a drink?

Let me get you drunk. That will help.

Me: No. I would like to go straight home.

I have a feeling I’m going to need a drink after this.

Married Man: You speak English so well, and I do not speak English so well. I would like to speak English with you so I can learn to talk better.

I will appeal to your desire to help others in order to seduce you. If you feel you need a reason to spend time with me, then you can tell people that you are teaching me English.

Me: You speak English very well.

You need English lessons, MY ASS!

Married Man:  I have been seeing you for six years now. The first time I see you I think how beautiful you are. I think how I would like to spend more time with you, but I never see you. Before I got married I had three girlfriends in Houston. They were white girls. They were so beautiful.  They had such pale white skin, and I am so dark. You are beautiful like them.

I like white women. I would like to fuck you and then afterwards to lay in bed naked and look at the contrast of your pale milky skin against mine.

Me: Thank you. That’s flattering.

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Desperate”? I swear to God, what about me says that I am so lonely, that I have sunk so low, that I would for a moment be tempted to carry on with a married man? Earlier this evening you couldn’t remember my name, and now you’ve been harboring a secret passion for me for six years. Amazing!

Married Man: I would like to spend more time with you. I would like to learn to speak better English. Would you do that for me?

I would like to fuck you.

Me: I would be happy to help you speak English. We can spend time together, as friends.

I really wouldn’t mind helping you to polish your English skills if that’s what you actually want to do.

Married Man: Yes, as friends. Of course.

This will cost money.

Me: If you want to hang out together as friends, then I could meet you and your wife both. You can bring the kids. We can all speak English together.

If this is really about learning to speak better English, then you will take me up on this offer. However, I think we both know that you are not interested in learning English from me.

Married Man: Oh, I cannot do that. My wife. She would get jealous. She would see you, and she would know that you are so much more beautiful than she is. She would get angry.

How am I supposed to get in your pants if you won’t let me spend time alone with you?

Me: Thank you for the compliment. That’s very flattering. If you want to spend time together as friends and if you want to learn better English, then I think we should meet together with your wife. You are a married man, and I am a single woman, and I think it’s important that we maintain some boundaries. If your wife wouldn’t be okay with that, then she definitely wouldn’t be okay with us spending time alone together.

Yeah, I’m giving Angelina Jolie a run for her money, I’m so freakin’ beautiful. This is not about speaking English.

Married Man: Is this…are you afraid that my wife will get angry and try to hurt you? Because sometimes a woman will worry about that, but that would not happen.

You’re onto me. I might as well just acknowledge what’s actually going on here. So, why don’t you want me? It must be because you are afraid that my wife will beat you up. I would not allow that to happen.

Me: No, I’m not worried about that happening. I’m just not interested in being with a married man. I wouldn’t do that with any married man.

It’s just impossible for you to conceive of a woman who wants to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, isn’t it? It never once occurred to you that even if I were tempted, which I am definitely not, that I might take your wife’s feelings into consideration. And it’s impossible for you to believe because you obviously don’t…take your wife’s feelings into consideration. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this, and it won’t be the last.

Married Man: You know, my wife, she says that I work too much and that I don’t help her around the house enough. I work sometimes ten, eleven hours. I come home, eat something, shower, get up and do it all again. I do the yard, you know, but she is not happy.

My wife doesn’t understand me or appreciate me. My wife yells at me. I do not get laid enough at home. Please consider having an affair with a married man. I will cut your grass for free.

Me: I am sure that is hard. Maybe you should try helping out around the house more. Maybe you can work a little less.

Oh, my God! You are actually playing the, “My wife doesn’t understand me,” card. I think I can hear the world’s tiniest violin playing a score in the background. Maybe if you would stop chasing tail, that would free up a few hours every week for you to spend time with your wife and help her out around the house. Maybe then she might be inclined to give it up more often.

Married Man: You know, it is not good to be alone. You need, how you say…?

Don’t you ever get horny?

Me: Companionship.

You mean sex.

Married Man: Yes, that’s it. Companionship.


Me: I have friends. Well, I think it’s time for me to go inside now. I’ll see you next time. Thank you for the ride.

I masturbate. I find it more satisfying than stealing other women’s husbands, or even just borrowing them for the night.

Married Man: Yes, I will see you again. You’re welcome.



Entry filed under: Adultery, Humor, Men. Tags: , .

Monster At The Picnic Table Christopher Hitchens Is Dying

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Fat On the Inside « Gooseberry Bush  |  September 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    […] When I was thinner, I wouldn’t say that I had to beat the men off with a stick. I had a lot more choices, though, and better choices. In over a year I’ve been hit on exactly twice. Once, it was by a toothless homeless man on the city bus, and once, several months later, by a short middle aged married man who told me that night that he’d once spent time in prison. [] […]


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