Men, And More Scientific Research On Why I’m Doomed to Loneliness

October 28, 2010 at 12:23 pm 2 comments

Young woman (Angela Grimké) in Middle Eastern ...

Image via Wikipedia

I found this most terrific of blogs yesterday. First of all, I joined an internet dating site, and no, I have not changed my mind about dating. I would still rather drown in a tsunami than to have to deal with that pain and humiliation ever again. But you can’t get access to this fantastic blog unless you sign up like you want to date. After that, you just make no effort like usual, and people leave you alone.

This website is called OkCupid, and it’s free. One of the guys who owns the business takes statistics from trends he sees on the site, makes handy dandy charts and pie graphs and stuff and writes observations on social trends that he notices. He’s pretty funny. Some of the most particularly interesting ones involved message response rates and race. He also makes some astute observations on men, like for instance, that they are almost exclusively interested in pretty young things. Really?! Who knew?

One of the blog posts I read involved a controversy about the fact that black women have the lowest response rates of any race and middle eastern women have the highest response rate. There’s a lot of supposition about why that is but no one in the comments section, that I saw at any rate, has gotten it. It has nothing to do with big lips versus big noses. In fact, it has nothing to do with appearance at all. Shocking, you say. Not really.

The reason black women have the lowest response rate is that black women were feminists before the word was invented. Black women are strong. They raise families alone. They don’t care that they have higher education levels than black men; they aren’t going to let that hold them back. Their attitude about that seems to be the right one – let the black men catch up; I’m not waiting. Black women don’t take any shit or any prisoners. Black women are cool.

Middle eastern women, on the other hand, have a reputation for the opposite. Just how true that reputation would actually be in the Western world is up for debate, but the cultural perception remains. Guys like middle eastern women because they perceive them to be passive, docile, and subservient. In other words, a man thinks that he will get what he wants and get his needs met. And, well, who doesn’t want his needs met?

Basically, the perception is that these women will just be so grateful that they were allowed to keep their clitorises and happy that they’re the only wife that they might overlook a few socks on the floor or the occasional infidelity. Men think that middle eastern women are attractive because, right or wrong, they think that a middle eastern woman will let them call the shots and will be appreciative. And again, who doesn’t like to be appreciated? You almost can’t blame them.

I found another interesting article on men and ego on You can read it here:

Basically, it reiterates, in detail, something I already said in my post, Ten Rules About Men That All Women Should Know By The Time We’re Thirty.’re-thirty/

In my perfect world, as opposed to the real world, men would care more about our character, our minds and personalities and souls, than they do about our bodies. Here’s my fantasy. In my fantasy some really great kind Christian guy who wants to encourage my dreams and live in equality and meet my needs falls in love with me entirely over the internet. He reads my blog faithfully and thinks I’m super funny and smart, and he doesn’t find that threatening at all. He doesn’t feel the need to compete with me; he just appreciates my humor and finds me charming and wants to fuck my brains out.

Actually, I think that was a movie with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. What was it called? It involved big noses again, but there were no middle eastern women in it. Oh, yeah. Roxanne, based on Cyrano de Bergerac. In it, a woman falls in love with an ugly man through the power of his words. Too bad it can’t happen the other way around. But men are what they are. And there’s no use in hoping for anything different. See my post about that right here:


Entry filed under: Humor, Love, Men, Relationships, Social Commentary, Women's Rights. Tags: , , , , , .

The State of the Blog Address Anecdotal & Statistical Proof That Women Over Forty Are Not Destined To Be Old Maids

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. alternativelyme  |  October 28, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I cant get to the ten rules about men page and i am dying to read it. Is your link broken? Great blog by the way..

  • 2. David F  |  October 28, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Hey Lady!!

    We need to talk…:-)

    I think you’ve got great writing talent as a kind of contemporary social commentator writing from a unique social, religious, experiential and geographical perspective! Bravo! You are doing some great stuff of an interesting eclectic variety on your blog which I have subscribed to and enjoy reading intermittently (you write too much for me to read every post).

    HOWEVER, their is an undercurrent of real pain and rejection in your writing at times. I feel so sorry for you. I don’t pity you, but I know what rejection feels like – my wife left me three years ago and I’ve had a mixture of experiences of rejection and conditional acceptance from the world and Christian Church in my life from a variety of denominations, so I don’t know your unique pain, but I can relate to and I hope empathise with that sense of deep hurt. At times, it even hurts just to read your feelings and thoughts and it makes me…a complete stranger… really feel for you and want to pray for great healing and resoration in your life.

    A few months ago I read your post on giving up on dating and a really quite bad experience of some strange guy and his family chatting you up! I’m not surprised you have possibly quite sensibly given up on that kind of dating, but I would say don’t give up dating all together especially with genuine Christian men via Christian dating websites or good balanced, loving churches. I have spent say the last two years on a Christian dating website in the UK called Christian Connection. I have tried others, but this has been the most professional and well organised – hospitable – site I’ve ben on. But in spite of joining with a gaping wound of rejection in my life…and being ‘rejected’ or at least not accepted by 100s of women since starting…I have also had the chance to get to know lots of good women from all sorts of backgrounds…and got to date (read – meet up for lunch and a walk in the park/town together) probably about 20 or so women. I’m still single and after taking a break from the site for a few months I have recently rejoined and already emailed a couple of lovely women in their 30s. The most attractive to me being a 36 year old divorced woman with 2 kids from a previous abusive and failed marriage. I find her attractive at some level because I suspect that she understands my own pain and sense of rejection through a once intimate and supposedly lifelong committed relationship.

    So what’s my point for you…a fellow sister in Christ and beautiful child of God! Well, essentially ‘FEED good habits like taking care of your soul, mind and body as well as social needs i.e. to mix with loving, kind people’ and ‘STARVE the negative habits – like putting yourself down and believing all the B*** S**t pseudo-psychological, scientific dating advice that circulates the media – web, magazines, pop-lit, films etc’

    That involves DISCERNMENT …a gift that from your writings as far as I can tell you are in the midst of a process of developing and maturing,…but you are not there yet. So go easy on yourself. Don’t put yourself down because the world…the societies we live in often squash and oppress the unique value of each of us as human beings. I’m sure you have read it before…but have a look again at Psalm 139 and read it over yourself…it applies to you today. Try BibleGateway website to look at different translations to see how the translators redact and express the themes of the prayer of Psalm 139 through different idioms. It applies to you Now.

    And yes, as people on 12 step programmes know perhaps better than most of us….our lives are an interaction between sometimes fleeting experiences of the Higher Power and also practical physical disciplines…I preached on the first three steps of the 12 step programme two weeks ago and used a rather robust passage from James Chapters 3 to 4 to say that these principles are ancient, but still valid today…but our addictions go deep (as I’m sure you know) For me my addictions involve wanting (craving…to use a literal word and also a helpful Buddhist term) love, appreciation from others…the answer from God has come through a lot of rejection (paradoxically)…until I have come to realise that this is what Christ was talking about when he talks of picking up your cross dailly and dying to self and the Buddha was talking about in terms of detachment. I recently accepted…ACCEPTED…the great 12 step word…my inability to control my life and my need for outside help…I realised that as human as my needs to be loved and approved of by people are…ultimately peace came through dying to trying to achieve them in my own power and through certain people, but finding them first and foremost through a relationship with God…It’s the wonderful freedom of Death…but as you and I know, particularly as Christians….Death IS NOT THE END…There is resurrection in the power of God…there is the promise and reality of a COMFORTER in the Holy Spirit through each of our own Pentecosts.

    Hey, God is WITH YOU girl..sister….mighty woman of God! Jeremiah 29 – He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Thoughts for good and not for evil to give you HOPE and a FUTURE!

    Hell, you’ve been hurt in ways I can’t imagine…but you know what God is going to use those experiences to bring about an even greater redemption and you are going to be a healer who writes and ministers to others through the healing of your own wounds…from the grace you have recieved…you will give grace to others… yes, it’s already started through your intelligent writing…but I sense there is still much healing to go.

    Some books to look into:

    1. ANYTHING by Henri Nouwen ( a Roman Catholic priest that struggled throughout his life with the loneliness of celibacy while feeling at a physical and emotional level attraction to men, and yet maintained his vows to celibacy and became a healer to thousands across the world) My favourite is The Wounded Healer – God uses our loneliness and wounds to help us become conduits of God’s healing love to others, but also The Return of the Prodigal Son is profund and touching

    2. S.H.A.P. E. – Finding and fulfilling your unique Purpose for life by Erik Rees.
    Slightly corny, centre ground modern American Evangelical Charismatic point of view, but basically EXCEELENT TEACHING on discovering the way God has created you uniquely to fulfil a unique purpose on this world and how your very differentness…woman, black, feminist, Christian, recovering addict, writer, thinker, lonely…is celebrated and/or redeemed by God and will be used by Him if we become self-aware and co-operate with God

    3. Not a book but worth listening to is Mark Yaconelli – a former youth pastor and now speaker in the states with loads of experience of working with young people and how so often institutional, conservative religion squashes young peoples’ inherent disposition to love, creativity and reconcilliation in ‘the name of God’. He did some incredible talks at greenbelt festival in the UK in August of this year which are available to download. Great stuff on how we know God through our soul…in our stomach if you like and how our young seemingly ‘foolish’ desires are part of the wonder of how God created us…and yet, we need to have wisdom and healing from God in order to use them right.


    OK, sorry, I’ve given you a lecture! Please forgive me or atleast humour me (Yes, that’s humour with two ‘U’s as it was meant to be spelt!!) 😉

    But don’t believe the ‘crap’ the world tells you – overtly and more damageingly sunconsciously…or at least take it with a healthy dose of salt…you are in relationship with the LORD now…he’s in charge of this planet not anyone else (in spite of how it might feel or seem at times)

    …and finally, I would like you to publish this Comment as a post in reply to your last post and entitle it:


    …although like addiction there is always going to be a part of each of us that is a little lonely until we get to perfect union with God in Heaven…it’s like the irritation in the oyster …it’s there to help us grow pearls

    P.S. I hate gooseberries, but in the hands of a good cook they can make a fantastic sweet gooseberry pie. My intuition tells me God wants to make a sweet whole pie with you and some other perhaps overlooked ingredients together!

    Sentimental…perhaps, but sometimes we have to let go of our pain and cynicism and recover our long lost hopes and dreams.

    By the way, after all this writing and sound advice, I expect a reply from you!! If you want you can contact me through my blog – there is an email address there on the contacts page.

    Best wishes,
    David, England, UK


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