What I Learned from the Manosphere

November 12, 2010 at 1:52 pm 14 comments

Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film festival

Image via Wikipedia

Some observations on the manosphere, as it’s called, are called for in this post, and then I’m done with the manosphere because I find it a dreary and depressing world.  They have their own vocabulary about rationalization hamsters and hypergamy (whatever the hell that is; I don’t care), and they use shaming language. They talk about Alpha Males and Beta Males – Alphas presumably being the guys who got picked first in gym class or the ones with fat bank accounts. As far as I can tell all women are bitches and hags and sluts. It’s not a pretty place, and it’s full of hatred.

This is these men’s reaction to their personal pain. These are angry white men, the kind of men who list Falling Down and Fight Club as their favorite films. They are angry because they perceive that we don’t appreciate them or we’ve rendered them undesirable or obsolete.

None of these men spend their blog posts talking about how great women are or how they appreciate us. It’s spent talking about how to play the game and manipulate us into mating with them. Obviously, it’s not working as well as they’d like for it to – or they’d be blogging about how much ass they’re getting and how life is super great now that women love them.

There’s a lot of emphasis on the double standard on these sites. I’m not opposed to men taking our sexual history under consideration when picking a mate. What I’m opposed to is that our character and chastity is on trial while theirs is not. I’d want to know that I’m not marrying a Tiger Woods or a Jesse James. They have a right to ascertain the same.

What I have to wonder, since I read on the OkCupid website that something like 90% of the men spend 90% of the time chasing the top ten percent of women (judged on a criteria of looks alone), is why don’t these men relax their standards? No one is asking them to date Helen Mirren (although, I personally think they could do worse), but there are a lot of fine women out there in their thirties who take good care of themselves. There are a lot of women who don’t look like Megan Fox or Adriana Lima or Angelina Jolie who are still very attractive.

What I’m saying here is that maybe relaxing standards is a good idea for both sexes. I don’t recommend relaxing your standards on issues of character and integrity. I still think both sexes have a right to be with someone that they find physically attractive.  But if a Beta male of 45 is still chasing supermodels from the age of 18 – 26, then maybe, just maybe, if he’s not having much success at it, he’s feeding a rationalization hamster himself. And if he is successful, then why is he spending all his time online bitching instead of bragging?

Also, another word of advice for both sexes. At the risk of sounding like a smart ass, I’m going to quote Depeche Mode. “People are people, so why should it be you and I should get along so awfully?” How about men treating women with respect and vice versa? Maybe you might have more success with the opposite sex if you saw them as people and not as the enemy.


Entry filed under: Love, Media, Men, Relationships, Sex, Social Commentary, Women's Rights, Writing. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. cindylouwho123  |  November 12, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    i’m still amazed at how poorly men and women understand each other– i know we are fundamentally different creatures, but that should fuel the attraction and the fascination, not the animosity (which i freely admit is on both sides– not just picking on the guys here)

  • 2. dream puppy  |  November 12, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    This was a good post. I do think that many men need to relax their standards. Many women do too, especially as they age.

    The problem with your rationalization (hamster? 😉 is that “game” works for a lot of guys. And what does game entail? Acting aloof, rude, chauvinistic, oversexed, and entitled. Not all woman fall for this game, but many, many do.

    So women say they want a nice guy. And the guy acts nice. And she walks all over him and cheats on him with a motorcycle riding, stoic, monosyllabic neanderthal. What is the guy to think?

    If women did treat nice guys nicely, then “game” would not work. But it does. So what’s the deal?

    • 3. gooseberrybush  |  November 12, 2010 at 4:03 pm

      That’s a very good question. I wish I could answer it for you with any certainty. Really, I wish I could refute it, but I can’t. It happens. I think it’s a combination of a lot of different things. For starters, a lot of women suffer from low self esteem or come from backgrounds where this kind of treatment is comfortable for them because it’s what they’re used to…mom took that from dear old dad.

      I also think that because we’ve established that both the Alpha and Beta males (I hate that terminology, btw, but I’m using their language) chase only the most physically attractive women, that these women are used to being fauned over and so the “game” that you refer to makes those men seem less desperate and, hence, more attractive. Have you ever seen the movie Broadcast News where Albert Brooks says this would be a great world if needy were a turn on? Needy isn’t an attractive quality for either sex.

  • 4. Cat Lady  |  November 12, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    I, too, am done with the manosphere. I’m truly interested in learning more about legitimate mens issues and how things can improve, but these sites are not the place to learn, apparently. The PUA/ dating sites are just plain ugly (thank god, I’m an “old” married woman with no “sexual market value”).

    The manoblogs are endless repetitive wheels of angry, bitter (they hate that word but I call it as I see it), disappointed men picking at their scabs over and over. Woe to the female who posts a comment – it’s like tossing a bucket of chum in the shark tank.

    Young single women should definitely read some of the PUA sites; learn their tricks and avoid or pursue depending on your goals! Maybe strive towards some self-improvement as well – there’s some truly needy young women out there with no self-esteem or self-control; don’t be one of them!

    And one thing to remember: Men who are really successful in “getting” women are out with those women or enjoying their happy marriage and family life; not yapping in the comments section of a dozen blogs on any given day.

  • 5. Teri  |  November 13, 2010 at 3:42 am

    Honestly, I’d never heard of the manosphere until reading this post tonight. I’m assuming that it’s hateful male blogs? I’m new to blogging (started three whole weeks ago) so I don’t think I’ve run into this *yet*

    I mean really, there’s enough men IRL that don’t appreciate what I bring to the table, do I really need to find them on-line too?

    • 6. gooseberrybush  |  November 13, 2010 at 1:21 pm

      I hadn’t heard of them, either. They came here, attracted by my article because they think it backs up their argument that over thirty we’re all a bunch of slutty hags who mourn our fallen opportunities to marry male chauvinist pigs and cook, clean, fetch beer and service them sexually. It’s depressing. And they’re wrong. If I’m mourning anything it’s the dearth of decent single men who want to treat me with respect and not the “opportunity” to marry some jerk. They just miss the point. I’m done with it.

  • 7. Amanda  |  November 13, 2010 at 4:38 am

    I would rather you write about other topics. These men who claim they aren’t pigs are just that. Oink.

  • 8. gooseberrybush  |  November 13, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    I agree with you. On to smarter topics and more positive ones.

  • 9. Teri  |  November 13, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Oh geez. 1) You are smart 2) Your blog actually does well and has attracted a following 3) If you and your blog have hit the radar of men that hate women then you must be doing something right.

    I read an article the other day that said as you become more successful and define your audience, you should be making enemies. Your writing can’t and shouldn’t appeal to everyone, nor should you try. The more people that read your work, eventually you’ll come across more people that don’t like you.

    And I say – f ’em.

    Congratulations on your smashing success.


  • 10. dalrock  |  November 14, 2010 at 6:34 am

    They came here, attracted by my article because they think it backs up their argument that over thirty we’re all a bunch of slutty hags who mourn our fallen opportunities to marry male chauvinist pigs and cook, clean, fetch beer and service them sexually. It’s depressing. And they’re wrong. If I’m mourning anything it’s the dearth of decent single men who want to treat me with respect and not the “opportunity” to marry some jerk.

    When you were perusing my blog, did you happen to read my post Commitment as a form of female investment. or the post on Romance as a form of male investment that it references in the top? These two posts together are my take on why women often seem to find men less willing to commit as they get older.

    The first one I wrote after reading another blogger writing about the death of romance which I think you might enjoy.

    • 11. gooseberrybush  |  November 14, 2010 at 3:18 pm

      Thanks, Dalrock. I’ll do that.

  • 12. wordwanderlust  |  November 18, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    The truth is ugly … but it’s still the truth. What makes it ugly, though, is the simple fact so many of us have shared the reality of every day experience. I certainly hope there’s another planet out there beyond Mars or Venus, don’t you?

    • 13. gooseberrybush  |  November 18, 2010 at 6:58 pm

      I sure do.

  • 14. Paul  |  December 11, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    As a woman, you at least had the luxury of being able to reject the manosphere out-of-hand. Men can’t. Not if they have the least insecurity.

    I will bet there is next to no blogging by men about how depressing the manosphere is. Those most disturbed by it tend to get Stockholmed into staying by all the attacks on their supposed omega-hood – they become self-deluding cynics with childish outlooks. Those not so disturbed just push it aside.

    Sadly, it’s probably too soon for any manosphere victim to “recover.” The beast is still young, and has a lot of negative energy to feed on. It will have to consume a hellish number of psyches before any of them wake up.


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