Birds Die, Fish Die, Cows Die: My Oh My!

January 19, 2011 at 12:44 am 7 comments

Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk, in a promoti...

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“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”

Kirk Cameron

“Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of Man comes.”

Jesus Christ

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.”

-Robert Frost

A little over a week ago hundreds of birds mysteriously died and dropped from the sky to the ground. This happened in Arkansas, and then again in Kentucky. Next, some fish died somewhere. Then a bunch of cows died. You’d think that the four horsemen of the apocalypse had been spotted riding down 42nd Street and Broadway in New York City. Katie Couric has an exclusive interview with Pestilence tonight on the six o’clock news! Stay tuned!

I’m not even forty years old yet, and if I had a nickel for every time that some natural disaster supposedly signaled the end of the world, well, I’d at least be rich enough to buy a burger off the McDonald’s Value Menu. Can I just say that this is tiresome? Yes, it’s tiresome, people.

A whole bunch of Christians, the kind who were no doubt heavily influenced by This Present Darkness and the Left Behind series, pounce on all these natural phenomena every time they occur.  The end is near! The end is near! Make yourself a sandwich sign, get yourself a bell, and head to the streets, people. You can meet Chicken Little there.

A whole sub-culture of Christians even supports Zionism, not so much because they support Israel, but because they see the state of Israel as being part of the prophecy of end times. This is funny to me because it’s like they think they can influence the apocalypse with their political votes and financial contributions. That’s it. God is going to hasten the rapture because you support Israel as an independent political state. It’s all about you.

I happen to think it’s a good thing to support Israel as well but not because I believe that it’s going to make Jesus come back any sooner. There are people out there who not only think that they can influence the end of the world but also think that they can predict it with absolute certainty. That’s right. The rest of us aren’t supposed to know, but God let you and only you in on that little secret.

Do these people have nothing better to do than sit at home all day trying to read the book of Revelations in Greek with a calendar and an abacus at their sides? Tell me. When will the Rapture happen? And when it does, will we find ourselves in the Transporter Room of the Starship Enterprise? Can I get William Shatner’s autograph?

Who is the Antichrist? Please, please, please say it’s Pat Robertson. What is the mark of the beast? Is it true we’re all going to get tattooed with bar codes, like Holocaust survivors? Does the European Union mean that we’re all eventually going to be on the same global currency? And will Pat Robertson’s face be on the $20 bill?

CNN’s Anderson Cooper interviewed Kirk Cameron on the matter. I guess this is because he starred in the Left Behind movies. Well, that and he also happens to be an evangelical Christian who’s an actor. Maybe they can interview Stephen Baldwin next. Or how about Stephen King? He wrote The Stand.

Here’s what I know about the end times. If you study and know your Christian history, then you’ll know that people have been saying that the end of times are near since practically the day Jesus walked out of the tomb. For the record, that was approximately 2,000 years ago.

Maybe one of these days this world will end. I should watch so that I’m not influenced by charismatic leaders who might want to lead me astray from the love of God. If I keep my mind focused on God, then one day I’ll get to see Him, no matter whether or not I live through a rapture or a tribulation, no matter when that tribulation might occur. I really DON’T CARE. I’m saved, and I’m going to heaven either way.


Entry filed under: Chrisitanity, Current Events, Ecology, Faith, Humor, Media, Science, Social Commentary, Spirituality, The Holy Bible, Theology. Tags: , , , , , , , .

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7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Amanda  |  January 19, 2011 at 4:37 am

    I swear I’ve been hoping you would write a piece on this. So spot on. But for the record, Oprah is the Antichrist…. 🙂

    • 2. travelingmad  |  January 19, 2011 at 9:46 am

      Ha ha. Oprah!

    • 3. Author  |  January 19, 2011 at 11:20 pm

      That’s funny and perhaps more appropriate than Pat Robertson. Oprah does have greater power and influence.

  • 4. travelingmad  |  January 19, 2011 at 9:45 am

    True indeed. If you are saved, you have no need to worry about the day or the hour.
    Great post!

  • 5. sandraroffel  |  January 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Girl, you have said what I have been saying for years. Only more eloquently. What is it about “a thief in the night” that these people don’t understand. Have your spiritual house in order all the time. Also, remember how the Jews thought the Messiah was going to come. Jesus came contrary to what they interpreted. Maybe the “end times” might have the same pattern? Just a thought.

    • 6. Author  |  January 19, 2011 at 11:23 pm

      Yes, I’ve frequently thought it funny that some of the evangelicals I’ve met in my life have been super critical of Jews for not thinking more openly and figuratively when it comes to a Messiah, instead of straight out expecting that person to be a political leader who would deliver them from the Roman empire. Those people are sometimes the very same who are rather dogmatic in their beliefs that Revelations is meant to be taken strictly literally, as in the streets of Heaven are actually paved with gold. It’s a good observation.

  • 7. popsdumonde  |  January 20, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Nibble, nibble, nah……


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