Birds Die, Fish Die, Cows Die: My Oh My!
“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”
“Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of Man comes.”
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.”
A little over a week ago hundreds of birds mysteriously died and dropped from the sky to the ground. This happened in Arkansas, and then again in Kentucky. Next, some fish died somewhere. Then a bunch of cows died. You’d think that the four horsemen of the apocalypse had been spotted riding down 42nd Street and Broadway in New York City. Katie Couric has an exclusive interview with Pestilence tonight on the six o’clock news! Stay tuned!
I’m not even forty years old yet, and if I had a nickel for every time that some natural disaster supposedly signaled the end of the world, well, I’d at least be rich enough to buy a burger off the McDonald’s Value Menu. Can I just say that this is tiresome? Yes, it’s tiresome, people.
A whole bunch of Christians, the kind who were no doubt heavily influenced by This Present Darkness and the Left Behind series, pounce on all these natural phenomena every time they occur. The end is near! The end is near! Make yourself a sandwich sign, get yourself a bell, and head to the streets, people. You can meet Chicken Little there.
A whole sub-culture of Christians even supports Zionism, not so much because they support Israel, but because they see the state of Israel as being part of the prophecy of end times. This is funny to me because it’s like they think they can influence the apocalypse with their political votes and financial contributions. That’s it. God is going to hasten the rapture because you support Israel as an independent political state. It’s all about you.
I happen to think it’s a good thing to support Israel as well but not because I believe that it’s going to make Jesus come back any sooner. There are people out there who not only think that they can influence the end of the world but also think that they can predict it with absolute certainty. That’s right. The rest of us aren’t supposed to know, but God let you and only you in on that little secret.
Do these people have nothing better to do than sit at home all day trying to read the book of Revelations in Greek with a calendar and an abacus at their sides? Tell me. When will the Rapture happen? And when it does, will we find ourselves in the Transporter Room of the Starship Enterprise? Can I get William Shatner’s autograph?
Who is the Antichrist? Please, please, please say it’s Pat Robertson. What is the mark of the beast? Is it true we’re all going to get tattooed with bar codes, like Holocaust survivors? Does the European Union mean that we’re all eventually going to be on the same global currency? And will Pat Robertson’s face be on the $20 bill?
CNN’s Anderson Cooper interviewed Kirk Cameron on the matter. I guess this is because he starred in the Left Behind movies. Well, that and he also happens to be an evangelical Christian who’s an actor. Maybe they can interview Stephen Baldwin next. Or how about Stephen King? He wrote The Stand.
Here’s what I know about the end times. If you study and know your Christian history, then you’ll know that people have been saying that the end of times are near since practically the day Jesus walked out of the tomb. For the record, that was approximately 2,000 years ago.
Maybe one of these days this world will end. I should watch so that I’m not influenced by charismatic leaders who might want to lead me astray from the love of God. If I keep my mind focused on God, then one day I’ll get to see Him, no matter whether or not I live through a rapture or a tribulation, no matter when that tribulation might occur. I really DON’T CARE. I’m saved, and I’m going to heaven either way.
Entry filed under: Chrisitanity, Current Events, Ecology, Faith, Humor, Media, Science, Social Commentary, Spirituality, The Holy Bible, Theology. Tags: Anderson Cooper, Arkansas, Evangelicalism, Growing Pains, Katie Couric, Kirk Cameron, Pat Robertson, William Shatner.